Relatively speaking: Going through life with a 29” inseam


Pretty much all of my life I have been average or slightly below. And this fact has never been truer than when it comes to my inseam.

On a good day, I have a 29 inch inseam. On a bad day, it could be a 28 inch or even a 27 inch. The average adult male wears a 32 inch inseam.

The other day I decided that I needed a new pair of blue jeans, so I went a-shopping to a local department store at the mall only to find jeans with even numbered inseams, the shortest being a 30 inch.

I decided to ask a male associate (whose name tag said Chad) about the uneven inseam discrepancy.

“Excuse me, Chad, but I have noticed that all of your blue jeans have only even numbered inseams.”

Looking at me a bit confused, Chad, said, “Well, that’s odd…”

“No, it isn’t. They’re all even. Where are your odd numbered inseams? Could you go in the back and see if you have any odd numbered inseams? I take a 29 inch.”

“There is no back, sir. There is only here. And all of our inventory is displayed. Apparently, we do not carry odd inseams.”

“Well, CHAD, this is preposterous,” I said. “AND totally unacceptable!”

“I can’t help it that you’re odd, Sir. That is totally beyond my control.”

“Oh, easy for you to say, Mr. Perfect six foot tall with 32 inch inseam. Do you have any idea what it’s like to go through life with a 29 inch inseam? Do you? NO, YOU DON’T! With a 29 inch inseam you can’t reach anything on the top self at the grocery store. You can never dry the top of your car. Changing light bulbs requires an extension ladder. And I can rarely touch the bottom in a swimming pool! You have no idea the struggles we 29 inchers have!”

“Maybe I had better go and get my manager,” Chad nervously said. Then I heard over the PA system, “Manager to the men’s department. Customer having a meltdown…”

Maybe it’s my more mature age that makes me intolerant of things that don’t make sense. Surely, there are plenty of slightly below average men out there with 29 inch inseams. Why is the blue jean industry forcing us to be even when we are clearly odd? It’s just not right! Sure, there is chaos in the world that needs to be dealt with. But maybe it’s there because our leaders and politicians are forced to run around in pants that are two inches too long.

I am starting my own protest movement to awaken the eyes of the garment industry… “SHORT LEGS MATTER!”

“So, how did your shopping trip go? Did you find a pair of jeans?” the wife asked when I returned home.

“No, I didn’t. And now there’s a restraining order against me. I can’t go within five hundred feet of the men’s department at the mall. I did get them to order odd-inched inseam jeans. However, they are putting them on the top shelf…”

Raul Ascunce is a freelance columnist for the Sentinel-Tribune. He may be contacted at [email protected].

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