I personally find it amazing that we can go along happily living our lives, when out of the clear blue, the wife will realize an urgent need for something.

“Honey, do you realize that the entire family will be home for Christmas?” she said in a state of anxiety.

“Yes, I do realize that, and I find it very comforting. So why are you in such a tizzy?” I asked.

“We need new guest room mattresses immediately! Those mattresses are thirty years old. We do not want to be responsible for giving our adult children sciatica, stiff necks, or at the very least scoliosis.”

“Honey, I don’t think you can get scoliosis for sleeping on an old mattress. Besides, they might have some sentimental attachments to their old mattresses and would be upset with fancy-schmancy new mattresses.

“Trust me, they will be thrilled with deluxe memory foam mattresses which just happen to be on sale online. I have four hours and thirty-two minutes to take advantage of this life-changing opportunity. But wait! There’s more! If I order now, I get to keep the boxes they come in!”

“Who are you, Billy Mays, the ‘Wait! There’s more!’ guy? I don’t understand. Two days ago, there was nothing wrong with those beds. Now it’s an emergency you must resolve in the next for hours and thirty-two minutes?”

“Honey… and I’m saying this very lovingly, sometimes you snore like a sinus-congested grizzly bear with a deviated septum. When that happens, I leave the marriage bed and sleep in one of the guest rooms. The last time I did, I woke up with three herniated discs and osteoporosis …” Therefore, I suggest we order these mattresses, before my entire spinal column collapses.”

“Answer me this,” I said, “how is it you can still do yoga twice a week with a collapsed spinal cord?”

“Yoga pants are very supportive. Now enough of this bickering. I am going to order the new memory foam mattresses now!” And with that she clicked “BUY”.

Within two days, the mattresses were delivered, each in a box the size of a tall kitchen trash can.

“Something is wrong here,” I said to the wife. “There’s no way a mattress could be in one of these boxes.

“Honey, these mattresses are vacuum compressed in a sealed bag. You must roll the flattened mattress out on the bed frame, cut open the seal, and watch them grow into full-size mattresses before your very eyes.”

We did just that, and it was amazing! In less than an hour, we had two queen-sized mattresses guaranteed to prevent collapsing spines, osteoporosis, and scoliosis.

“Oh Honey,” the wife said, “the kids are going to love the new mattresses!”

“I can see now, that we needed them,” I agreed.

“The only thing we need now is new headboards. And I have three hours and forty-seven minutes left to take advantage of an amazing deal … Click BUY!”

Raul Ascunce is a freelance columnist for the Sentinel-Tribune. He may be contacted at [email protected].