“To laugh often and much; to win the regard of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bet better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
How do you define success? Do you measure it in terms of career accomplishments, money in the bank, or social recognition? Or are there other ways to define success?
As we have often heard, we are our own worst critics. An employment setback, relationship problems—even an argument with a friend—makes us doubt ourselves. That unforgiving word “failure” is what we pick to describe ourselves when we fall short of our own goals or face unsurmountable obstacles. The Olympic athlete feels like she’s failed when she wins a bronze medal instead of a gold. Why can’t she give herself credit for being on the podium? Someone going through a divorce blames herself for the marriage ending, forgetting that it takes two to maintain a happy relationship. Parents may wonder what they did wrong when their children have difficulties. (The most likely answer? Nothing!)
Yes, it’s easy to blame ourselves when life doesn’t measure up. We neglect to credit ourselves for what we have achieved, and forget that sometimes conditions just don’t favor a good outcome.
Take a second look at the Emerson quote above, and you’ll notice several things. The author doesn’t mention money or public kudos. He lists the regard of intelligent people and the trust of children. There’s no mention of a brilliant resume; instead, he suggests improving the world by healthy offspring or a well-tended garden. These, plus having an impact on your immediate world, the great thinker presents as ends to strive for.
It seems to me that these are goals we can all achieve. Emerson’s brilliance was that he saw the extraordinary in the ordinary; the beauty in a child’s love, the triumph in easing someone’s pain.
Emerson’s optimism was hard won. A Unitarian minister in the nineteenth century, he lost his young first wife to illness, as well as the child of his second marriage. The dynamic preacher and writer was assailed by doubts and even offered to give up his ministry when he questioned traditional beliefs about the Christian God (his congregation rejected this offer.) He knew what it was to live with abiding loss: his final words referred to his dead child: “That beautiful boy.”
So Emerson’s musings are far from the text of a Hallmark card. He knew pain and grief better than many. But he also knew not to see them as the end. Continued effort—to better social conditions, ease another’s suffering—was the only way to move forward, to succeed. This is an attitude we can all emulate.
Right now I know several loved ones going through divorce, financial difficulties and depression. I’m sure they are tempted to see the problems in their lives as failures. But I would say just the opposite. They are getting out of bed every morning to face another day. Confronting those 24 hours of uncertainty takes tremendous courage. So does caring about others despite your own hurt, or continuing to love despite rejection. I want to tell my friends that I believe they are heroes. I applaud them for moving through and around what life has thrown in their way.
Living in spite of obstacles is perhaps the greatest success of all. Some days all we can do is put one foot in front of another. And some days, that’s a real accomplishment. If we define success in this way — loving life unconditionally — we see it is within everyone’s reach.
