The parodistic story of the mysterious NFL laptop

To the Editor:

The Wild Card game against Tampa was influenced by a mysterious laptop that has been floating around the NFL for some time. The laptop was rumored to have top-secret information on it about games and how they were to be influenced. There was even a code name for the laptop, and I have learned that it was портативный компьютер: The Russian word for computer laptop.

The Browns have always known something or some force had infiltrated the NFL since their return. How else can one explain having 34 players start at quarterback since 1999? How else can one explain that the franchise was purchased for the highest price ever paid for a sports franchise up to that date? Yes, purchased in 1998 but started play in 1999, and when 1999 is inverted, it clearly refers to the one true enemy of the Browns and the controlling group of the Browns.

The playoff game between America’s team and Tampa Bay was predetermined, perhaps even as early as 2016. The NFL changed some rules to align with the laptop, such as the extra point try being moved to the 15-yard line. Some people will consider Dallas’s missed extra-point tries as historical, but the laptop may have influenced the tries. Think about it.

You may be wondering how this reporter discovered this trove of information. Well, I will tell you, but please keep this confidential since all Browns fans are being strategically observed. Oh yes, a cute DOJ term for spied upon. I first learned about the issue when I played golf at a luxurious course on Florida’s southeast coast. Sitting in the lobby reading a golf magazine, I ran across a document entitled “top secret” for the NFL commissioner’s eyes only. Well, I am human, so I placed the document in my shirt pocket and scurried, yes scurried, off to my hotel room across town at the Light is Always On motel. To my surprise, the document led me to a Swedish state in the northeast USA. The document insists that further documents can be found at a mansion in, of all places, the garage.

You may believe all of this is trumped up, but I am only biden my time until I break this story wide open. You can be an unbeliever, but stranger things have happened.

James Allen

Bowling Green