Well folks, here it is, almost the end of summer. The days are getting shorter, the nights are getting cooler, and still I am perplexed by a summertime question: “How old is too old for men to wear tank tops?”
Are you reeling? Is your mind as boggled by this perplexing issue as mine is? Have you been lying awake nights, staring at the ceiling wondering, “Is this the day I stop wearing tank tops?”
Until the 1920s, bare arm and shoulders on anyone was considered indecent. But then, you know … global warming. Sleeves were ripped off faster than a banana peel at a monkey convention. Men looked hunkier. Women looked sexier. Even Michelle Obama, an extremely intelligent Princeton & Harvard graduate, lawyer, and first lady, is probably best known for her chiseled arms … especially by women Republican and Democrat alike, because she chose to wear extremely tasteful sleeveless dresses and tops.
Even the wife is always saying, “I wish I had Michelle Obama’s arms.”
Well, because of this extremely hot summer, I went a-shopping for some sweat-wicking, dri-power, odor-protecting tank tops to wear around the yard while mowing, pruning and drinking my favorite adult beverage after mowing and pruning. I found the tank top to be incredibly comfortable, cool and even though it made my six-pack abs look keg-ier, my arms looked Michelle Obama fabulous.
“Honey,” the wife cautiously addressed, “I would love to go for a walk around the neighborhood. Would you like to go?”
“Well let’s to it,” I said all in favor of a little exercise. “Just let me put on my tennis shoes” (a misnomer as I absolutely never play tennis in them).
“And could you maybe put on a nice T-shirt?”
Totally astonished I said, “Why? What’s wrong with my tank top?”
“Oh, nothing dear. It’s great for working around the yard, but to walk around the neighborhood … that’s a lot of information you’re putting out there.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Bare arms, dear. Bare arms.”
“Excuse me, but have you never read the 2nd amendment? I have the right to bare arms. Just like Michelle Obama and you love her arms.”
“I know, dear. But aren’t you maybe just a little too old for tank tops?”
“Are you saying that my bare arms have an expiration date, that at age 67 a shirt that exposes these magnificent biceps is inappropriate for public viewing? Well, I don’t subscribe to your thinking … sun’s out-guns out is what I always say … and I think Michelle is with me on that.”
“You know that walk I was talking about?” the wife said returning to her original request, “I think I have to wash my hair …”
So I guess this all brings me back to the question, how old is too old for men to wear tank tops? According to the wife it’s 67. I don’t care what she thinks; I’m going to ask Michelle Obama.
Raul Ascunce is a freelance columnist for the Sentinel-Tribune. He may be contacted at RaulAscunce@gmail.com.