What to do when your wife has a leek

At the age of 70, combined with being a writer for the past 31 years, there is a piece of equipment I have never owned: my very own laptop.

I will pause here while you all gasp in horror.

I know, it’s ridiculous. My granddaughters have had their own laptops since they were in first grade. The wife and I have shared a laptop, but it always seems we need to use it at the same time.

“Honey, I need to use the laptop,” I informed. “I need to pay the utility bill in the next 30 minutes or they’ll shut off our electricity.”

“You are going to have to wait,” the wife said, “Kroger has a sale on rutabagas and I am on Pinterest looking for a recipe for rutabaga cordon bleu. You have no idea how many recipes there are for rutabaga cordon bleu.”

“Pick one. We have 24 minutes before it’s lights out, and the electricity goes off. Then we’ll have to fire up the fire pit for rutabaga s’mores.”

“That does it,” the wife said. “We’re getting you your own personal laptop computer so that you don’t interfere with my meal planning.”

So, to avert the possible shutdown of our personal residential grid, the decision was made to purchase a laptop computer just for me, so that I can pay bills in a timely fashion, regardless of what vegetable is on sale at Kroger.

Now, I should probably say here that computer preference is like picking a political party, so when we entered the computer store a helpful greeter tried to direct us to the appropriate location.

“Good morning,” he said cheerfully. “What are we shopping for today?”

Quickly the wife chimed in, “My husband needs his own laptop because this week leeks are on sale at Kroger and I bought two pounds of them that I will need to find recipes for.”

I piped up, “I need a laptop because my wife has a leek.”

Double checking the floor around her, the greeter said, “So are you a PC guy or a Mac guy?”

“I love Big Macs,” I said rubbing my belly, “and as you can see, I’ve had a few.”

“He’s talking about computers, dear,” the wife clarified.

“Oh, I guess I’m a Mac guy then. The wife has one that she lets me use when she’s not leeking. It’s pretty nice, so let’s look at the Macs.”

For over an hour, the knowledgeable salesman reviewed all of the features and prices of the various models of Mac laptop computers.

“Which one do you like, dear?” the wife asked.

With my head swimming with the plethora of technical jargon thrown at me I said, “I think I’ll take the one with all the orifices.”

“I think those are called ports, Dear, not orifices,” she said rather embarrassed. Then to the salesman, “My husband will take that one.”

In a rather humorous tone the salesman said, “One Big Mac with extra orifices coming right up.”

Raul Ascunce is a freelance columnist for the Sentinel-Tribune. He may be contacted at [email protected]