This past Valentine’s Day was kind of an anniversary for the wife and I. We have celebrated this holiday together for 50 years, 47 of those years, married, and three years dating.

Well this year, the wife got me something for Valentine’s Day that she seemed pretty excited about, which really put the pressure on me.

“We’ve been together for 50 years, dear,” she tittered. “Can you believe it? One half of a century! Not married that long, or course, but we’ve been mutually exclusive for five decades.”

I’m sorry, but that statement had me reeling. (I reel very easily, by the way.) I had to think of something sweet and romantic for a response to that revelation.

So I said, “What does mutually exclusive mean? It kind of sounds like an insurance company. Bundle your home and auto insurance with Mutually Exclusive.”

“Honey, it means we’ve been a couple for that long, totally devoted to each other and no one else.”

“Well then, I guess you’re right. We have been together for 50 years.”

“I got you something really special for Valentine’s Day! You’re gonna love it!” she said jumping up and down making little claps with her hands.

“Um … I got you something really special too … (cough, hack, clearing my throat). I have an idea, why don’t you guess what special gift I got you and maybe I can go and get it?”

“There’s only one rule for Valentine’s Day gifts this year. They have to be free … cost nothing. Something you find. Something you make. …”

“Something you steal?” I asked seriously.

“My gift for you is so cool you are going to freak! I can’t wait to give it to you!” the wife said and scampered out of the room.

“I am a dead man,” I thought to myself. “If I don’t come up with something incredibly clever before Valentine’s Day I can kiss mutually exclusive goodbye.”

Immediately I got on my laptop and Googled free stuff. It was amazing what came up, most of which was not really free. My choices for actual free stuff (and I am not making this up) included four upright pianos, a wedding dress never used tear stains included, nine kittens, adult diapers, a broken hot tub, and the Book of Mormon.

I struggled between the adult diapers and the Book of Mormon, but then I thought, I’ll just go to Goodwill and find something almost free. So for $2 I got her a heart-shaped candy dish. (Don’t judge me.)

On Valentine’s morning, the wife presented me with a folder. On it she had written, “Happy Valentine’s Day to My Rock.” In the folder was a photograph of a large granite boulder.

“That’s very clever, dear. I love the photo.” I said. “You got me a picture of a rock. Now I don’t feel so bad about this stupid candy dish I got for you.”

“I didn’t just get you a picture. I got you an actual boulder. Remember how a while back you said you wanted a boulder for the backyard by your shed? Well, now you have one. We just have to go and pick it up.”

I guess that’s what being “mutually exclusive” for 50 years means. You pay attention to the little comments along the way and file them in your head for future reference. The wife remembered that and got online to put it out there that her husband wanted a boulder. A very sweet lady whose heart was warmed by the request, answered her query with a free available “rock.”

To say that moving the 200+ pound solid granite rock was a tricky process for us two septuagenarians is an understatement. But we got it done and now I have a super-cool boulder from my mutually exclusive Valentine. And all she has is a really lame candy dish. (I did write this column about her … does that count?)

Raul Ascunce is a freelance columnist for the Sentinel-Tribune. He may be contacted at [email protected].